Feathers and air, feathers and air...

First, we of Hamiltoe apologize for our lack of blogging the past week or so - it's been a busy time, what with all the lazing around, unemployment, slushie-drives, etc. Second, if you are reading this and are not an OFFICIAL FOLLOWER - follow now or fear our Hamiltoenian wrath!!!!!! (Please? We just want to be popular like Regina George.)

So, this segment of Hamiltoe began two Fridays ago with a trip down to lovely Locke Street, home of the Locke Street Bakery (closed), the Cheese Shoppe on Locke (closed; note - we will go anywhere that calls itself a "shoppe", especially when prefaced with "Ye Olde Tyme"), multiple art galleries (closed), and quaint little antique shops (also closed). We should note that this was a bad time to shop on Locke Street - most shops are open during regular business hours. We did, however, stumble upon a new favourite book store, aptly named Epic Books, and the lesbi- I mean, open-minded restaurant/coffee shop, the Bad Dog Cafe.

After some tea and a lemon square, we headed north on Locke towards Victoria Park, otherwise known as the perfect spot for Hayley's new lesbi- I mean, open-minded baseball team. Interested? Email Hayley at gohayleyandandrea@gmail.com. Part I ~ fin.

A few days later, we took a hostage (she follows the blog...be like her!) and headed off to Van Wagner's Beach, where we met Roger (that's what we called him, anyway), a dear old grandfatherly man who was skipping rocks like it was his job. He showed us some skills, gave us a pat on the head, and we headed on our merry way.

After the beach we went for a little drive around the Stoney Creek Mountain countryside. We bypassed the raw-thur extensive line-up for the drive-in movie theatre, and continued on down the country roads (take me home....to the place...I BELOOOOONNNNGGG....anyone?). Even though Hamiltoe is mostly known as a large, bustling metropolis, it also has a softer side that many visitors are unable to experience. We rolled down the windows, blasted some Florence, surpassed the speed limit, and admired the beauty of the old, broken-down farm houses scattered throughout the land.

Finally, we ventured to a hot new video store. Block...something? We rented The Craft, watched some fireworks, and called it a night. Stay tuned for some beautiful Hamiltoe architecture in the next segment!

O...M...Cheese

Welcome to the special artsy-fartsy edition of Hamiltoe! This week, we have arted it up in the heart of downtown Hamilton, first at Gallery on the Bay, then at the James Street North Art Crawl. 

We began by taking a stroll down to Bayfront Park, where it was unnaturally cold for the middle of May. On a nicer day, we might have gone to Hutch's for some deep-fried goodness and then a walk along the trail. Past visits have also included Hamilton Pride, delicious "Mr. Softee" iced cream, picnics, and a lot of bugs. Instead of braving the cold on this particular visit, we retreated to Gallery on the Bay, one of Hamilton's best-kept secrets.

The gallery is the owners' home and personal studio, and they display lots of local artists' work around the main floor. Every couple of months, they team up with Bryan Prince, Bookseller (stay tuned for future references to our very own Hamiltoe celebrity!) to allow some local authors to read from their newly published works. We may have been the youngest people there by at least a quarter of a century, but we enjoyed the free wine and cheese, and after hearing a reading which touched on none other than CAMELTOE (oh yes...you read correctly), we fell in love. This place has free food, free drinks, free cameltoe, and our absolute favourite kind of art - MM Resin on Panel (...we don't know what this means?)! Check it out here! Go on now. Do it. We'll wait.

Alright, moving on. James Street North Art Crawl...where to begin? Ah, yes...when we saw a man's GIANT PENIS ("giant" is really giving him too much credit) exposed on the street. Welcome to the downtown core. Though this was not part of any art exhibit, it set the tone for anything else we could possibly see there. Gandalf roaming around with sticks on his head? Check (see photo at right). Tin Man/"DramaBot"? Check. Playwright and star of "My Mother's Lesbian Jewish Wiccan Wedding?" Check. (Hayley stalked him, good and proper.) David Lynch-esque movie? Check.

David Hein, writer and star of My Mother's Lesbian Jewish Wiccan Wedding! He was super nice, even when we stalked him. Check him out here!





The thing that we were most intrigued by was the haunted, abandoned Tivoli Theatre. One of the oldest theatres in Canada (yes, Canada), the Tivoli collapsed in 2004 and is now filled with cobwebs and ghosts. We got a very eerie feeling whilst walking around the auditorium, which was semi-exposed to the elements. It was as if we had stepped into the Twilight Zone.

The Tivoli, in all its current glory.

Note: orbs. The Tivoli is rumoured to be haunted...we of Hamiltoe have clearly erased any doubts there might have been!

After running away from Jack Nicholson in an art maze just outside (and encountering an actual maze creeper - see right for reaction), we walked into a small, make-shift cinema. We sat there for what seemed like hours, watching water...just water. (In actuality it was only about 4 minutes. Of water.) After admitting that she "liked it sideways," (Hayley's special comment: Get your minds out of the gutter, I meant camera angles! Perverts.) Hayley also observed that it felt like we were in - not watching, IN - a David Lynch film. Suffice it to say, we left before we lost our memory and were attacked behind a diner. We checked out a few more galleries, had some tea, caught up with a few old friends, then headed home.

We've decided that the Hamilton art scene is not given enough recognition or credit. There is plenty of artistic talent in Hamilton, as well as plenty of obscenely drunk men willing to show you their junk. If only we wanted to see it...the art, that is.

Did I Just Have Lesbian Sex?

Today we accomplished a Hamiltoe triple-threat: Lil John's Pizza (formerly known as Gorgis, pronounced "gorgeous"), McMaster University, and My Dog Joe. How do all of these Hamiltoe hotspots connect? They don't. But we were hungry, desperate for some theoretical academia, and needed coffee (Hayley's side note: apple juice).

Let's start with dinner. The Limeridge neighbourhood's most cherished pizza joint (formerly a dry cleaning facility, according to a reputable source - thanks, Mom) had recently changed names and we wanted to know the scoop. Our beloved pizza place, which had gotten us through many a late-night Monty Python - er, study session, was no more. Alas! Rest in peace, Gorgis....or...DO YOU?!? As it turns out, "Lil John's Pizza" is EXACTLY the same as Gorgis. Same menu. Same set-up. Same employees. When we spoke to Lil John (himself!), he told us that the only thing that had changed was the ownership. We rejoiced that we could still get our favourite pizza for just $6.99.  Huzzah!

 

LOVE OF OUR LIVES

Next, we took a trip to our alma mater, McMaster University. Let's get one thing straight - we love McMaster, more than one should ever love an institution. We travel there all too regularly, just to walk around and pretend to be students. Creepy? Quite possibly. We digress. One of our friends informed us about her Race Studies lecture, and we decided to go sit in...or so we thought. As Hayley hesitantly approached the professor at the beginning of class to discuss our presence, the following conversation took place:

H: "Hello, we - "
P: "After class!"
H: "But we were just wondering if -"
P: [mumble, mumble, mumble!]
H: "Okay...thanks..."

Despite this conversation, we decided to risk it all by remaining in class...only to find out several minutes later that we were in an Astrophysics class and that the actual Race Studies class was across the hall. Upon seeing our young, Congolese professor, Andrea decided that it was love, and proceeded to listen intently for the duration of the class, while Hayley inappropriately played M-A-S-H by herself. Oh, to be a McMaster student once more...

Finally, we found ourselves in the heart of Westdale at its finest lesbi...I mean, open-minded cafe, My Dog Joe. Shameless Zagat guide-esque recommendation coming up...right...now: If you go, get some freshly brewed coffee and a peanut butter cookie! And if you're traveling with Hayley or someone under the age of 10, opt for an apple juice and a brownie. Also, check out the local art on the walls!

All in all, another triumph for Hamiltoe. We ate, we learned, we coffeed.
Stay tuned, oh three followers; next up is a trip to Gallery on the Bay for some more local art, literature, wine, and cheese.

Chico and the Man

To begin our odyssey, we thought to ourselves "the GHA is so huge, such a colossal metropolis. Where to begin?" After seconds of serious consideration, an epiphany - of course! We wanted to start things off with a bang, so only Hamilton Mountain's most famous landmark would do. Devil's Punch Bowl? No sir. Sam Lawrence Park? Don't think so! That's right boys and girls - Hayley and Andrea paid a visit to Lime Ridge Mall.

Located just off of Upper Wentworth and (surprise!) Limeridge Road, Lime Ridge (different spelling, hmm...we don't know why either) Mall is a Hamilton institution. Wikipedia tells us that it opened in 1981, and who are we to question an online encyclopedia that anyone can edit? We have been going there to satiate our consumer desires since before we even knew what cameltoe was, thus it is obviously a place close to our hearts.

In an attempt to be more healthy this summer, we decided to start wogging (walk-jogging...emphasis on the walk) and swimming - immediately after our trip to the mall. Because of this, we showed up in clothing not quite up to the standards of Lime Ridge Mall (we'll let the picture speak for itself), where the prime demographic is scantily-clad 12-18 year olds and wearing sweat pants to go shopping is actually worse than having cameltoe. Nevertheless, we avoided the judgmental looks from the teenagers and pressed on to achieve one of the most difficult tasks known to womankind - looking for a swimsuit. Lime Ridge has a wealth of shops, however, so we were cautiously optimistic that we would find this grail.

DON'T JUDGE THE WINDBREAKER

First, we headed to Canada's own department wonder, The Bay. That is...the Hudson Bay Company. Yes, the same Hudson Bay Company that was bartering for furs 300 years ago. Clearly they haven't given up...swimsuits are OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE, omg. We don't know who has money to buy swimsuits for over $100, but whoever it is would you mind making a donation to Hamiltoe? We, uh, the cause really needs it.

Swimsuit shopping was a success, and after lingering a bit too long in the change room to hear some Kenny-G-went-to-Spain tunes (typical of too many department stores), we proceeded to the Solo Mobile booth, where we were schooled in matters of security. Apparently, it is not permitted to take the long-distance feature off of a phone plan without a form of I.D. "Sure," we said, "because Andrea's actually a super-villain named Chico, who's come here all the way from Mexico to sinisterly change a phone plan from long distance to local." Phone Man smiled, dazzled by our wit (or because he thought we were crazy...could've been either, really).

Thus concludes our first journey. We laughed, we shopped, we won a phone booth employee over with our Hamiltoenian charms, and we can't wait until Christmas when we oh-so-inappropriately visit Mall Santa, like we did as Hamiltoe youngsters. Maybe he'll get us $100 swimsuits...

It's Hammer Time

Shortly after completing our second degrees (combined running total: FOUR), we found ourselves unemployed and moneyless. With our friends spread out across the country, nay, the globe, we decided to embrace our current situation and embark on our own journey. This journey will be like no other. Starting immediately, we will be traveling around our home and native land, highlighting and exploring its many charming and sometimes sketchy hotspots. We've decided to combine this journey with our philanthropic tendencies. Well, give me an example of these tendencies, you might say. With Hayley's history of vaginal promotion and Andrea's reputation of snobbery, we shall promote Hamilton as a cameltoe-free society. In short, Hamilton has been called many things: the Hammer, Steel City, the Armpit of Ontario, and most recently...Hamiltoe. We call it home. Join us, dear reader(s?), won't you?