Together, we make a pie

So we just signed on and Hamiltoe toeld us that we have no followers. WHAT??!?!?!

Luckily it was but a Blogspot malfunction. All sixteen of you are still here, and near and dear to our hearts. As for the rest of you - FOLLOW THE DAMN BLOG. That's a bit harsh. Please follow the damn blog :)

Our latest Hamiltoe(ish) adventure took us to the outskirts of our fair city, specifically to one Winona Peach Festival! We feel it is justifiable to include such an outing due to the fact that we traveled to this highly anticipated event by way of the good ole HSR (that's Hamilton Street Railway, for non-Hamiltoe folk, and the bus for non-literate folk). In fact, the HSR offered free transportation to and from Winona for Hamiltoe residents. This ride was offered from the somewhat convenient location of Eastgate Square - not as dirty as Jackson Square, but somewhat dirtier than Lime Ridge Mall. Our bus ride was mostly successful, with the exception of a disgruntled baby-hating teen on our way home. Was wearing a black onesie with cut-off denim shorts. Probably goes by a name ending in "ee." You know who you are.

ON THE PEACH SHUTTLE

At the festival itself, we were welcomed by infuriatingly catchy children's songs, our future cars, and many peaches. Many, many peaches. Mmmm peaches. Peaches.

ANDREA'S CAR...

...AND HAYLEY'S CAR. WE BELONG IN THE 50'S.

We wandered about for a little bit before catching a quick bite consisting of pulled pork and pizza (alliteration!). We proceeded to the arts and crafts area, attracting Andrea because of the multiple dreamcatcher booths, and attracting Hayley with the possibility of finding a teddy bear with her name spelt correctly. What an epic FAIL. Who the hell is named Edith anyway? Maybe Edith and Haley with no first Y should be friends. Lame, lame friends. Lame.

LAME

Continuing to make our dreams come true, Andrea discovered and proceeded to pose beside an ENORMOUS POP SHOPPE BOTTLE.

(YE OLDE) POP SHOPPE

We learned about the difference between clingstone and freestone peaches (or as Hayley would say, "cling-free peachy stone pits"). After eating every peachy entity in sight (for real, we had peaches, peach pie, peach sundae, deep-fried peach fuzz, etc.), we went home, got some slurpees (a very trampy beverage indeed), and watched Wedding Crashers. What a perfect day!

Entrails and poppycock

Ghooooooul evening, ladies and gentlemen...

As requested, our most recent adventure was a trip to the spookiest, most haunted place in Hamiltoe - The Hermitage. Some may say that The Hermitage is not officially part of Hamiltoe, it being in Ancaster, but to them we respectfully say...eat it. After driving down some extremely dark, windy roads which we're sure are populated by many a serial killer and psychopath, we came upon an old looking building on Lovers Lane. Shortly after our arrival, we were greeted by the GRIM REAPER HIMSELF, to whom we asked, "Hey Grim, any room left on this tour?" He responded in a gravelly voice, "Room for ONE MORE...." AHHH!

We and twenty other people followed Grim behind the old building, which we later learned was The Gatehouse of the old Hermitage property. There we waited for our "ghost guide," Sir Christopher. He was a sharp looking man dressed in a long, black cloak and a top hat, carrying only a lantern, which helped to create a ghostly ambiance. He taught us the history of the area, which dates back to the War of 1812, and then led us down the dark, unpaved trail into the forest. 

SIR CHRISTOPHER AND AN ORB (!)

Every five minutes or so, Sir Christopher stopped to tell us (in his fake but well-delivered Mid-Atlantic accent) a ghost story. For example, when we stopped at the Hermitage ruins, he told us about why the street we drove in on is called Lovers Lane. Just under one hundred years ago, a man named Otto Ives bought the property and lived there with his family and his niece, whom we'll call "Gladys." She fell in love with the gatekeeper, William Black, a charming, handsome fellow, but alas - below her in status. They kept their love a secret until they could no longer, when William asked Mr. Ives for "Gladys'" hand in marriage. William Black was refused her hand and banished for deigning to move beyond his status. He was found the next morning by Mr. Ives, hanging from the Gatehouse ceiling by a leather harness. Mr. Ives did not take pity on him even in death - he secretly buried the body at the end of the driveway in a pile of horse manure. To this day, there have been many sightings of William Black's ghost, wandering around the property, crying out for his love. 

For anyone interested in more information about the Hermitage and more ghost stories, check out these links!

http://www.hauntedhamilton.com/local_hermitage.html

http://www.hauntedhamilton.com/hermitage_thesecondghost.html

Though our tour was interesting and a bit spooky, the atmosphere was disturbed by some drunken teenaged hoodlums, wandering around the property trying to scare us. Furthermore, we fought our teacher instincts to shush the people in our group (Hayley shushed once. It was loud.) who were talking all throughout Sir Christopher's ghost stories. Though we were not really scared to be walking around the forest in such a large group of people, we feel that if we came back on a night that was not Friday the 13th (a.k.a. Haunted Hamilton's busiest night of the year), the experience would be much more authentic. We only hope that our most terrifying and threatening security guard, a.k.a. "Bloodhound," will accompany us on our next tour.

LOOK OUT SHE'S HUNGRY

DO WE EVEN NEED A CAPTION FOR THIS?

Until next time!

The lollipop stick incident of 2010, a.k.a. The Good Chip Lollipop

Welcome back dear readers! After a brief hiatus, Andrea has returned to her spiderless (not a word, says Blogspot spellchecker. Hmm.), Hamiltoenian roots. Huzzah!

What was our first foray back into the blogging world, you ask? None other than The Festival of Friends! Crafts, "Chippy Chip Chippidity Chip Chips" (we don't get it either), funnel cakes and lollipops (which we most certainly did not dispose of on Gage Park grounds), some sketchy mobile rides and live rockin' tunes - what more could some fun-loving Hamiltoenian gals want?

There was a hippie-esque atmosphere, with tie-dyed satchels, incense shoppes, and homemade jewelry in abundance. We were all too pleased to find a Gourmet Lollipop Shoppe, and caved into the "6 for $5" deal. Mmmmm Peach Schnapps Lollipops. Mmmmm rhyming. Hayley was disappointed that the historic Gage Park fountain, erected (HAH) by Lord Gage...Park...in 18...oh, we give up. It's a really cool fountain, and it was closed off. Sadness.

COUNT 'EM - THAT'S 5 CHIPS

SOOO HAPPY ABOUT LOLLIPOPS

We originally went to see a Mister Gordon Downie of the Tragically Hip, though neither of us is really much of a fan. We thought we should document this Canadian legend's free performance on Hamiltoenian grounds, so we waited around the park for five minutes or so before realizing that he would not be going onstage anytime soon. At approximately 9:55 in the p.m., our grandmotherly internal clocks said "homeward bound," so we gave up on The Gord and headed up the mountain. 

Next up on Hamiltoe: Friday the 13th at the Hermitage! We received a request to go on a Hamiltoe ghost walk and thus have decided to go, allowing our 11 (2 of which are us...FOLLOW!!) readers to live vicariously through us. You're welcome. Hayley will be calm and stoic, Andrea will be crapping her pants. Until then!

P.S. We added new music...check it out!

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder

As promised - welcome to Hamiltoe GONE WILD!!! Sincerest apologies about this delayed post; we will try to focus more on the blog and less on slushies (...or maybe half and half? We're eating/drinking(?) slushies right now.).

First of all - here is our vee log. Watch it. We are out of CONTROL.

Second, we did it folks. We ventured downtown, and traversed the land until we came upon Hamiltoe's very own dirt mall (We didn't say it! B.A. Johnston did. Fast forward to about 50 seconds in.). Jackson Square holds a special place in both our hearts, it being Andrea's former place of employment (not as a prostitute) and Hayley's venue for multiple viewings of Bring it On (that she did). In truth, Jackson Square used to be the most hip happenin' place in Hamiltoe. We're not quite sure when things changed; the area is a little more worn down now. There are, however, many unique Hamiltoe shoppes (pronounced shop-eez) and sights to be seen at this historical, staple commercial centre. We in particular like going there for tea (read this!), books, and to browse the Hamilton Farmer's Market. Ooh! Also -  the library, Hamiltoe's most large and in charge centre for book borrowin'. Nice.

We survived. We then dressed up in our most adorable sixties attire, and headed for Hamiltoe's greatest night out - that's right my friends, we went to Motown at Absinthe!!

WE'RE SO EXCITED!

WE'RE SO EXCITED!

WE'RE SO...ALONE.

Though desolate at first, the place was soon jiving. We danced perpendicular to a solo artist, whom we'll call Mr. Bojangles. Later, we considered allowing some inebriated males at the bar to purchase us some of the club's namesake, but decided to go for shawarma instead. We desperately sought out some Middle Eastern delights for hours on end; we estimate our travels to have taken us approximately 1 kilometre away from the club. The aptly named Vida La Pita provided us with more chicken on a spit (and deep-fried chick pea goodness for Andrea) than we could ever want, and we bussed it home with remarkable safety (if you're familiar with Hamiltoe's bus system, you'll know this is quite a feat).

Before Andrea abandons us to the Ville of Hunts, we will try to get in a few more quality Hamiltoe excursions. Stay tuned!!

Gentle Sandblasters

Since we have likely convinced you to move to Hamiltoe by now, we decided to offer some real estate options and a survey of Hamiltoe architecture. We are assuming our followers (another shameless plug: FOLLOW THE BLOG) are all multi-millionaires. We have decided to let the pictures speak largely for themselves, occasionally adding our two cents to the mix.

First, the Herkimer Apartments. The building is around 90 years old, and the apartments inside are currently being transformed into luxurious condominiums, to the dismay of the long-time, elderly renters. We hope you have learned a very important lesson here: to not be aged.

Next, we will show you two moderately priced (averaging around $2 000 000) mansions on Ravenscliffe Avenue - Hamiltoe's most elegant and refined neighbourhood. The first is a bona fide castle, and the second appears to be a British interpretation of the White House.

               CASTLE



                 BRITISH WHITE HOUSE





If Ravenscliffe isn't exactly your cup of tea, you might find what you're looking for in the Stinson School Lofts. Once a beautiful, historic Hamiltoe school building, the Stinson Lofts are being transformed into our dream abodes. Check out our pal Harry Stinson and his lofty ideas here.

We wish to draw your attention to one last building before allowing you to skim through a few more pictures of architecture throughout Hamiltoe. You may or may not have noticed an ENORMOUS, practically window-less, gothic-looking building around the corner of Queen and King Streets. You may or may not know that this is the home of Hamiltoe's most mysterious cul...I mean, club - the Free Masons. Shrouded in secrecy, the Masonic Hall (also known as the Scottish Rite) apparently now holds weddings, banquets, graduations, etc. After reading a half an hour's worth of information on the Masonic Hall and its historic purposes and uses...we still don't get it. Feel free to peruse the following websites for more information to add to your confusion:

A History of Freemasonry in Hamiltoe

The Scottish Rite in Hamiltoe

SECRET HANDSHAKE THAT GETS YOU IN

Some random Hamiltoe architecture:

     

 The last one is our favourite - ye olde ancient ruines...shoppe. At least that's what we like to call it. In actuality, it used to be a horse-stop for farmers on their way to the market, as well as a hotel.     

Next up: HAMILTOE GONE WILD! Prepare yourselves for some time-traveling, some late-night Vida La Pita, and a special trip to the heart of Hamilton. That's right...we put on our Sunday/Wednesday best and headed to none other than...JACKSON SQUARE!!!!

Feathers and air, feathers and air...

First, we of Hamiltoe apologize for our lack of blogging the past week or so - it's been a busy time, what with all the lazing around, unemployment, slushie-drives, etc. Second, if you are reading this and are not an OFFICIAL FOLLOWER - follow now or fear our Hamiltoenian wrath!!!!!! (Please? We just want to be popular like Regina George.)

So, this segment of Hamiltoe began two Fridays ago with a trip down to lovely Locke Street, home of the Locke Street Bakery (closed), the Cheese Shoppe on Locke (closed; note - we will go anywhere that calls itself a "shoppe", especially when prefaced with "Ye Olde Tyme"), multiple art galleries (closed), and quaint little antique shops (also closed). We should note that this was a bad time to shop on Locke Street - most shops are open during regular business hours. We did, however, stumble upon a new favourite book store, aptly named Epic Books, and the lesbi- I mean, open-minded restaurant/coffee shop, the Bad Dog Cafe.

After some tea and a lemon square, we headed north on Locke towards Victoria Park, otherwise known as the perfect spot for Hayley's new lesbi- I mean, open-minded baseball team. Interested? Email Hayley at gohayleyandandrea@gmail.com. Part I ~ fin.

A few days later, we took a hostage (she follows the blog...be like her!) and headed off to Van Wagner's Beach, where we met Roger (that's what we called him, anyway), a dear old grandfatherly man who was skipping rocks like it was his job. He showed us some skills, gave us a pat on the head, and we headed on our merry way.

After the beach we went for a little drive around the Stoney Creek Mountain countryside. We bypassed the raw-thur extensive line-up for the drive-in movie theatre, and continued on down the country roads (take me home....to the place...I BELOOOOONNNNGGG....anyone?). Even though Hamiltoe is mostly known as a large, bustling metropolis, it also has a softer side that many visitors are unable to experience. We rolled down the windows, blasted some Florence, surpassed the speed limit, and admired the beauty of the old, broken-down farm houses scattered throughout the land.

Finally, we ventured to a hot new video store. Block...something? We rented The Craft, watched some fireworks, and called it a night. Stay tuned for some beautiful Hamiltoe architecture in the next segment!

O...M...Cheese

Welcome to the special artsy-fartsy edition of Hamiltoe! This week, we have arted it up in the heart of downtown Hamilton, first at Gallery on the Bay, then at the James Street North Art Crawl. 

We began by taking a stroll down to Bayfront Park, where it was unnaturally cold for the middle of May. On a nicer day, we might have gone to Hutch's for some deep-fried goodness and then a walk along the trail. Past visits have also included Hamilton Pride, delicious "Mr. Softee" iced cream, picnics, and a lot of bugs. Instead of braving the cold on this particular visit, we retreated to Gallery on the Bay, one of Hamilton's best-kept secrets.

The gallery is the owners' home and personal studio, and they display lots of local artists' work around the main floor. Every couple of months, they team up with Bryan Prince, Bookseller (stay tuned for future references to our very own Hamiltoe celebrity!) to allow some local authors to read from their newly published works. We may have been the youngest people there by at least a quarter of a century, but we enjoyed the free wine and cheese, and after hearing a reading which touched on none other than CAMELTOE (oh yes...you read correctly), we fell in love. This place has free food, free drinks, free cameltoe, and our absolute favourite kind of art - MM Resin on Panel (...we don't know what this means?)! Check it out here! Go on now. Do it. We'll wait.

Alright, moving on. James Street North Art Crawl...where to begin? Ah, yes...when we saw a man's GIANT PENIS ("giant" is really giving him too much credit) exposed on the street. Welcome to the downtown core. Though this was not part of any art exhibit, it set the tone for anything else we could possibly see there. Gandalf roaming around with sticks on his head? Check (see photo at right). Tin Man/"DramaBot"? Check. Playwright and star of "My Mother's Lesbian Jewish Wiccan Wedding?" Check. (Hayley stalked him, good and proper.) David Lynch-esque movie? Check.

David Hein, writer and star of My Mother's Lesbian Jewish Wiccan Wedding! He was super nice, even when we stalked him. Check him out here!





The thing that we were most intrigued by was the haunted, abandoned Tivoli Theatre. One of the oldest theatres in Canada (yes, Canada), the Tivoli collapsed in 2004 and is now filled with cobwebs and ghosts. We got a very eerie feeling whilst walking around the auditorium, which was semi-exposed to the elements. It was as if we had stepped into the Twilight Zone.

The Tivoli, in all its current glory.

Note: orbs. The Tivoli is rumoured to be haunted...we of Hamiltoe have clearly erased any doubts there might have been!

After running away from Jack Nicholson in an art maze just outside (and encountering an actual maze creeper - see right for reaction), we walked into a small, make-shift cinema. We sat there for what seemed like hours, watching water...just water. (In actuality it was only about 4 minutes. Of water.) After admitting that she "liked it sideways," (Hayley's special comment: Get your minds out of the gutter, I meant camera angles! Perverts.) Hayley also observed that it felt like we were in - not watching, IN - a David Lynch film. Suffice it to say, we left before we lost our memory and were attacked behind a diner. We checked out a few more galleries, had some tea, caught up with a few old friends, then headed home.

We've decided that the Hamilton art scene is not given enough recognition or credit. There is plenty of artistic talent in Hamilton, as well as plenty of obscenely drunk men willing to show you their junk. If only we wanted to see it...the art, that is.

Did I Just Have Lesbian Sex?

Today we accomplished a Hamiltoe triple-threat: Lil John's Pizza (formerly known as Gorgis, pronounced "gorgeous"), McMaster University, and My Dog Joe. How do all of these Hamiltoe hotspots connect? They don't. But we were hungry, desperate for some theoretical academia, and needed coffee (Hayley's side note: apple juice).

Let's start with dinner. The Limeridge neighbourhood's most cherished pizza joint (formerly a dry cleaning facility, according to a reputable source - thanks, Mom) had recently changed names and we wanted to know the scoop. Our beloved pizza place, which had gotten us through many a late-night Monty Python - er, study session, was no more. Alas! Rest in peace, Gorgis....or...DO YOU?!? As it turns out, "Lil John's Pizza" is EXACTLY the same as Gorgis. Same menu. Same set-up. Same employees. When we spoke to Lil John (himself!), he told us that the only thing that had changed was the ownership. We rejoiced that we could still get our favourite pizza for just $6.99.  Huzzah!

 

LOVE OF OUR LIVES

Next, we took a trip to our alma mater, McMaster University. Let's get one thing straight - we love McMaster, more than one should ever love an institution. We travel there all too regularly, just to walk around and pretend to be students. Creepy? Quite possibly. We digress. One of our friends informed us about her Race Studies lecture, and we decided to go sit in...or so we thought. As Hayley hesitantly approached the professor at the beginning of class to discuss our presence, the following conversation took place:

H: "Hello, we - "
P: "After class!"
H: "But we were just wondering if -"
P: [mumble, mumble, mumble!]
H: "Okay...thanks..."

Despite this conversation, we decided to risk it all by remaining in class...only to find out several minutes later that we were in an Astrophysics class and that the actual Race Studies class was across the hall. Upon seeing our young, Congolese professor, Andrea decided that it was love, and proceeded to listen intently for the duration of the class, while Hayley inappropriately played M-A-S-H by herself. Oh, to be a McMaster student once more...

Finally, we found ourselves in the heart of Westdale at its finest lesbi...I mean, open-minded cafe, My Dog Joe. Shameless Zagat guide-esque recommendation coming up...right...now: If you go, get some freshly brewed coffee and a peanut butter cookie! And if you're traveling with Hayley or someone under the age of 10, opt for an apple juice and a brownie. Also, check out the local art on the walls!

All in all, another triumph for Hamiltoe. We ate, we learned, we coffeed.
Stay tuned, oh three followers; next up is a trip to Gallery on the Bay for some more local art, literature, wine, and cheese.

Chico and the Man

To begin our odyssey, we thought to ourselves "the GHA is so huge, such a colossal metropolis. Where to begin?" After seconds of serious consideration, an epiphany - of course! We wanted to start things off with a bang, so only Hamilton Mountain's most famous landmark would do. Devil's Punch Bowl? No sir. Sam Lawrence Park? Don't think so! That's right boys and girls - Hayley and Andrea paid a visit to Lime Ridge Mall.

Located just off of Upper Wentworth and (surprise!) Limeridge Road, Lime Ridge (different spelling, hmm...we don't know why either) Mall is a Hamilton institution. Wikipedia tells us that it opened in 1981, and who are we to question an online encyclopedia that anyone can edit? We have been going there to satiate our consumer desires since before we even knew what cameltoe was, thus it is obviously a place close to our hearts.

In an attempt to be more healthy this summer, we decided to start wogging (walk-jogging...emphasis on the walk) and swimming - immediately after our trip to the mall. Because of this, we showed up in clothing not quite up to the standards of Lime Ridge Mall (we'll let the picture speak for itself), where the prime demographic is scantily-clad 12-18 year olds and wearing sweat pants to go shopping is actually worse than having cameltoe. Nevertheless, we avoided the judgmental looks from the teenagers and pressed on to achieve one of the most difficult tasks known to womankind - looking for a swimsuit. Lime Ridge has a wealth of shops, however, so we were cautiously optimistic that we would find this grail.

DON'T JUDGE THE WINDBREAKER

First, we headed to Canada's own department wonder, The Bay. That is...the Hudson Bay Company. Yes, the same Hudson Bay Company that was bartering for furs 300 years ago. Clearly they haven't given up...swimsuits are OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE, omg. We don't know who has money to buy swimsuits for over $100, but whoever it is would you mind making a donation to Hamiltoe? We, uh, the cause really needs it.

Swimsuit shopping was a success, and after lingering a bit too long in the change room to hear some Kenny-G-went-to-Spain tunes (typical of too many department stores), we proceeded to the Solo Mobile booth, where we were schooled in matters of security. Apparently, it is not permitted to take the long-distance feature off of a phone plan without a form of I.D. "Sure," we said, "because Andrea's actually a super-villain named Chico, who's come here all the way from Mexico to sinisterly change a phone plan from long distance to local." Phone Man smiled, dazzled by our wit (or because he thought we were crazy...could've been either, really).

Thus concludes our first journey. We laughed, we shopped, we won a phone booth employee over with our Hamiltoenian charms, and we can't wait until Christmas when we oh-so-inappropriately visit Mall Santa, like we did as Hamiltoe youngsters. Maybe he'll get us $100 swimsuits...

It's Hammer Time

Shortly after completing our second degrees (combined running total: FOUR), we found ourselves unemployed and moneyless. With our friends spread out across the country, nay, the globe, we decided to embrace our current situation and embark on our own journey. This journey will be like no other. Starting immediately, we will be traveling around our home and native land, highlighting and exploring its many charming and sometimes sketchy hotspots. We've decided to combine this journey with our philanthropic tendencies. Well, give me an example of these tendencies, you might say. With Hayley's history of vaginal promotion and Andrea's reputation of snobbery, we shall promote Hamilton as a cameltoe-free society. In short, Hamilton has been called many things: the Hammer, Steel City, the Armpit of Ontario, and most recently...Hamiltoe. We call it home. Join us, dear reader(s?), won't you?